While the Academy follows its own bizarre, out-of-touch, crotchety rationale in making its Oscar picks, who knows what space logic the Hollywood Foreign Press Association employs in choosing the Golden Globes? Sure, you could just chalk it all up to bribery, but like that crazy ex-girlfriend who still drives you mad, one suspects their motives spring from a more complex cocktail of neediness, vanity, self-importance and, somewhere deep down there, the fact that they really do love you. I mean, movies.
With that in mind, let's forgo the usual drunk dartboard method of picking Globes winners and try to fathom the inner emotions of that crazy-redhead-you'll-never-forget known as the Golden Globes!
Best Drama: The Descendants
Why: "Man, Ricky's real going to give it to us again this year for being a fame-whoring kleptocracy. Truth is, we love it when he hurts us, but let's show him he doesn't known us by choosing something complex and filled with artistic integrity."
Best Actress Drama: Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
Why: "Wow, an American played an iconic Brit without getting booed off the island? Ah yes, Meryl."
Best Actor: Brad Pitt (Moneyball)
Why: "He's so dreamy!"
Best Musical or Comedy: The Artist
Why: "This is probably going to win the Oscars; we need to look relevant here."
Best Actress Musical or Comedy: Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn)
Why: "Thanks Harvey, the check cleared!"
Best Actor Musical or Comedy: Owen Wilson (Midnight in Paris)
Why: "Oh, you thought we'd pick Jean Dujardin, huh? Sometimes you got to do something a little crazy to keep America in love with you."
Best Animated Feature Film: Rango
Why: "Johnny Depp! Thanks for coming! Here's your party favor!"
Best Foreign Language Film: A Separation
Why: "We just googled this and it's supposed to be the best one. Homework's done! Time to drink with Clooney!"
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (The Help)
Why: "Racism's still like a big problem in America even with Obama, right? We better acknowledge this movie."
Best Supporting Actor: Albert Brooks
Why: "He plays a psychopathic ex-producer of '80s art-house trash? Love it!"
Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)
Why: "Alexander Payne doesn't really care about us; let's just give this to Harvey."
Best Screenplay: Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)
Why: "The fact that he'll have nothing to do with us just makes us want him more."
Best Score: Ludovic Bourse (The Artist)
Why: "Harvey had Ludovic make us a custom ring-tone."
Best Original Song: "Hello, Hello" (Gnomeo and Juliet)
Why: "Elton John, please wear something outrageous when you take the stage."
Best Series Drama: Game of Thrones
Why: "Crazy fantasy midget sex? It's like our childhoods come true!"
Best Actress, TV Drama: Claire Danes (Homeland)
Why: "Yeah, that's supposed to be good. I mean, we haven't seen it but, you know, it's Claire Danes, no one will rip us for that."
Best Actor, TV Drama: Damian Lewis (Homeland)
Why: "Damian who-is? Don't know that name but let's change it up and do something crazy!"
Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy: New Girl
Why: "Glee? Modern Family? That was like, soooo two years ago."
Best Actress, TV Musical or Comedy: Zooey Deschanel (New Girl)
Why: "She's cute even when she sneezes!"
Best Actor, TV Musical or Comedy: Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Why: "God, we can't wait to do shots with him at the after party."
Best Mini-Series, Best Actor Mini-Series, Best Actress Mini-Series, Best Supporting Actress Mini-Series: Downton Abbey /Hugh Bonneville/Elizabeth McGovern/Maggie Smith
Why: "Just give it all to Downton Abbey, too hungover to think."
Best Supporting Actor, Mini-series: Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)
Why: "Oh wait, except for Peter Dinklage. Dwarf sex!"