From the opening musical number: "[TV is a world] where dancing with Bristol Palin in a monkey suit is dancing with a star."
"Oh, there's Betty White. She's the reason we start the show at 5 pm."
"Katy Holmes is in the house as well. I'd love to say something funny about her, but I'm afraid of her husband."
"Poor little Ricky Gervais. Someone didn't get enough hugs from mommy and somehow it's Hollywood's fault."
"Welcome back to the Modern Family awards. You know, we decided to throw them into the drama category, just to see what happens. Hollywood."
"Yesterday, my daughter had a tea party with her little friends, and it was so cute. They complained about taxes, called Obama a Communist, and wondered how the Latina kid got in."
"Everyone was asking me if I had a gay agenda for the show. And actually I do. Call Rachel Maddow and find out what time spinning is. Take the pickup in for an oil change - nah, I'll do it myself."